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Tina's Story

 

Originally from Germany I met "C" online whilst playing a game. I could only speak a few words in English and he couldn’t speak German. 20 years ago, translation apps.

Were in their infancy but we made in work somehow. I was just coming out of a loveless relationship with my self-esteem in pieces. C listened to me for hours. Was interested in anything I had to say, complimented me and kept telling me how we were soul mates. He was sensitive, creative, intelligent and told me everything I wanted to hear.

The first red flags became obvious very early on, but I chose to ignore them, telling myself it was the language barrier and the distance. He screamed insults down the phone when I came home from work later than expected . He was unemployed due to an anxiety disorder and panic attacks, telling me he had to live with his parents while he was getting better.

 

When we planned for me to fly over, I asked him for a b&b he thought would be good, but he absolutely exploded telling me I had to stay with him and his parents which to me was an absolute no, but he was so insistent, I gave in. 

Arriving in England, I met his parents who were both disabled and his mum welcomed me with open arms. I was shocked about the absolute dump of a house and his tiny bedroom with a single bed, more fitting for a 12 year old than a man of 30. His sob story however was so convincing, that my protective mode was in full flow. 

2 months later I returned to pick him up to live with me in Germany . Every day turned into a nightmare of ups and downs. The ups were so high that I was flying but the bad times were horrendous. I was love bombed from day one and developed a trauma bond stronger than I ever thought possible.

Slowly I cut contact with friends and family as it was easier than his sulking and aggressive behaviour when I " wasn’t interested in him and only cared about my friends while he had nobody". 

When friends confronted me, I told them that it was because of his mental health, being far from home, not speaking the language. They didn’t agree, so in my mind it confirmed what he had drummed into me... that only him and I could understand each other. 

After 12 months we decided to move to England. He had told me that he was on the housing list and that we would be shortly getting our own place and we would just have to stay with his parents for a short while. 

My last night in my flat was awful with him destroying things, screaming and shouting because I dared to be a bit sad to leave everything behind. suddenly I felt like I had been chucked into a freezing pool. I realised that I had made a massive mistake. But.. I had quit my job, sold my car, sold my furniture and had nowhere to go. I couldn’t throw in the towel, surely it was just the stress?

Living with his parents turned out to be an absolute nightmare. His father was pure evil and after 3 months I realised there was no house or flat on the horizon for us. He had never applied for anything. I started working full time so we could move out but he refused. I was not allowed to leave on my own either.

His violent anger outbursts were a monthly, then weekly then almost daily occurence. His threats of suicide if I left him and his screaming and smashing things up became the norm. His parents both died within about 2 years and that was when it really escalated. He didn’t have to put a lid on it anymore. Convinced he had Borderline personality disorder, he used that as a further excuse for everything he did. At that point I was only allowed to do little cleaning jobs and as we didn’t have a car and he refused to give me a lift on his motorbike, I walked miles every day to earn 20 pounds.

 

His drink and drug consumption went off the rails and it was my job to supply him and find the money for it. He developed a seizure disorder and cannabis definitely helped, so if he was without it, his rage became unreal. I was not allowed to wear perfume, make up , body lotion or even deoderant because he had sinusitis and apparently anything I used made him ill. I could only use pre approved soap and every morning I had to undergo an inspection where he sniffed me all over to make sure I had followed the rules. My skin became sore and in my desperation I used olive oil to moisturize but that made me vain and vile in his eyes and he smashed the bottle.

 

10 years of isolation and abuse. He chased me with kitchen knives, spat in my face, poured pasta sauce over my head, smashed the house up, locked me in the house for 2 days, he threw me out in the streets at minus 3 in my bare feet and stood at the window for 2 hours laughing hysterically. 

I became ill with gastric issues due to the stress and to this day I suffer from cyclic vomiting syndrome where I throw up every 8 to 10 minutes while having diarrhoea so bad I am incontinent for 3 days. The vomiting can last up to 15 hours and it can take 24 hours until I can even drink a sip of water which has landed me in hospital several times. 

 

On a particularly bad night I grabbed my dog and ran . I drove in my 22 year old car to the police station, begging for help. They could only get me a place without my dog.. This was never an option. So my soul dog and I slept in the car at minus 3 and went back the next day. 

I finally reached out to women’s aid. They could only offer places without taking my dog so I kept going back. milo was the reason that in 2011 I did not kill myself as planned because I could not leave him behind with that monster. They found me and my boy a flat but even then I felt responsible for him and still looked after him because he had convinced me that he would either die of a seizure or he would kill himself.

 

In order to get money for his ever increasing drug and drink consumption, I sold everything I had, from jewellery to clothes until finally...myself. Because anything was better than him without his supply. During that time I made a friend, a man 25 years older who paid off my debt, helped me emotionally, offered me a helping hand without expecting anything in return. 

I needed out of Carlisle as by now he knew where I was and as he could tell I was on the way out, he started to escalate. I moved to Dumfries to put at least a physical distance between us. I did not follow the no contact rule because I knew better...could still help him, he still needed me, my help, money, getting him shopping. Arranged doctors appointments... 

I eventually had a total mental breakdown, developed fibromyalgia, the cyclic vomiting got worse and my body and mind fell apart. 

Turns out the leaving wasn’t the hardest part...the recovery was and is. Being in fight or flight 24/7 for 10 years destroyed my  body . Thanks to 14 years of talking therapy and eventually somatic healing and trauma healing, I have recovered a great deal but I will never be healthy again.

 

The vagus nerve has been damaged, I've got 7 health conditions and they are all related and connected. In 2015 I was diagnosed with a heart murmur caused by an infection and needed open heart surgery in 2018. Due to issues after I am now in heart failure and I am convinced my quick deterioration is also connected.

That kind man who helped me to get out is my husband of 10 years and Milo experienced 8 years in a safe and peaceful home with a man who adored him. Milo was disabled and had a life expectancy of 6 but he waited until I was safe and on my first anniversary of my heart surgery I told him he could let go, was ok now  and he passed 1 week later aged 15. 

Before all this happened I laughed at  these "stupid" women who didn’t leave... oh how the mighty fall. The brainwashing is so slow and intense, by the time you realise what’s happening, you are already too deep in. I have always been open about my abuse and have spoken about it, but this is the first time in 12 years post escape that I have written a tiny part of my story down and for the first time in a long time, I am sitting here shaking, feeling sick, vulnerable, sad, angry and tired...putting it in writing hits different somehow.   

Narcissistic abuse can happen to anyone, it destroys your mind and body, there is NEVER an excuse for violence, threats, abusive and coercive control! You deserve better! You are not alone! You can get out and you can get better.

Reach out!